In the midst of my Storm, I found it very hard to be thankful for the hard times, I saw my mountains either too high to see over or too wide to go around. You know that saying that God will never give you more than you can bare? I hate that saying because it’s a lie, God does give you more than you can bare, he will sometimes break you so that you will reach out to Him so that we will fall to our knees and realize we can’t live this life without Him. There was a time in my life that I wanted to die, end it all, and give up and I believe the moment I did that was the moment God met in the place I was at. When Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 in the Amplified Translation: For when I am weak [in human strength], then I am strong [truly able, truly powerful, truly drawing from God’s strength]. I had finally come to the end of myself and that is what God was waiting for. He knew I needed him, even though I didn’t realize He was who I needed. Looking back I am grateful for those struggles because they have made me who I am today.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence.
What does it mean to be a New Creation?
I received Christ as my Lord and Savior on August 29, 2014, and was re-baptized on November 19, 2014. I remember standing in line waiting my turn for Pastor Dave to dip me into the baptismal tub. Reflecting on the first time I was baptized; 17 years old making a commitment I was not ready to make. I was nowhere near the same mindset as I was this time around. I still wanted to do what I wanted and didn’t understand what it meant to have a relationship with God. I felt cheated that I wasn’t allowed to make that decision on my own. For a long time, I thought my baptism from 17 years ago was done in vain. But little did I know that it was a seed that was planted in me that would later save my life.
Fast-Forwarding into the future, standing in line at Grace Covenant Church on the day of my re-baptism.
I watched everyone in front of me pop up out of the water and I wondered if they felt different, what was going through their minds as they resurfaced. I was thinking that when I rise out of the tub I was going to be this new person. The pain I carried for so long would be gone. I laugh to myself now, because I know that I am very impatient. I want results immediately and I hate the journal. I was tired of hurting and I hoped as the water dripped off me the pain would follow and seep down to the drain along with the water I left behind. Unfortunately, that was not how it worked. I realize this now. It was finally my turn and I walked toward Pastor Dave, he was standing in the tub, I walked down each step and my eyes welled up with tears. He said the Words I had been longing to hear “Your sins are forgiven”. I had plenty of sins that I needed to be forgiven for. I carried so much shame and resentment, and the pain was just so unbearable sometimes. I confessed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior and under the water, I went. As I rose I felt great, but that feeling only lasted a short time. The pain was still lingering, my marriage was still the same, Jacob still had autism, Chloe was getting sick all the time and Kaili was still not in my life. The depression was still there. How naïve I was to think that those struggles would have been left in the bottom of the baptismal tub.
What does it mean to be a New Creation?
The promise of forgiven sin was an amazing gift. If you only knew my sins, to be free from them has been life changing. For many years I allowed my horrible past to haunt me, I was so ashamed of the things I did, how could anyone forgive me. Thankfully we serve an amazing God, a God who accepted my flaws, my imperfections, a God that took my ashes that I wore and traded them for beauty, He took my mourning and gave me joy, and He lifted the heaviness and exchanged it for praise. He has planted me like a strong and graceful oak for his own glory. (See original translation in Isaiah 61:3 TLB) to be free from the shackles that I once held me captive are now no more. I realize now that when I rose from out of the water I never truly accepted the gift of becoming a New Creation and I still struggle to fully accept it, even though I have accomplished and grown since then.
My spirit wants to be free, I want to no longer feel the condemnation. I know that God doesn’t condemn us, “for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” (1 John 3:20 ESV) But why do I condemn myself, is it because I still struggle with shame and unworthiness? It's like I am sitting in a jail cell and the door the is swinging wide open, what is stopping me from walking out that door and enjoying the life that Jesus died for me to live.
IT’S ME!
I am stopping myself from living that life.
I am reminded of the days when I was at the worst point in my life. I was ready to end it all, I subconsciously decided to leave it all, what a selfish decision that was. The day I decided to be my last day, God literally showed up and lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. Then he set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. (Psalm 40:2 NLT)
As a child I desperately screamed for love, love from my mom who left when I was very young, my dad who was forced to raise me by himself at very young age, he did the best he could and my step-mom did what she could and even today I am constantly trying to make God love me and accept me, not realizing He already does.
I even searched for love in a lot of the wrong places. Honestly, I didn’t really understand love or truly knew what it felt like, but any attention back then felt like love. I thought giving myself away to boys and men would make them love me, but what it got me was a boyfriend who only knew how to love me with his fist, and an unplanned pregnancy and my daughter being put up for adoption. Subconsciously, I believe I got pregnant on purpose because finally, someone would love me. I thought the baby could give me what I was so desperately searching for. Back then I didn’t know what I was worth.
For a long time I have struggled with this constant need for approval and to be loved. I thought that the people I needed to love me just didn’t know how to, but now I believe they truly loved me, but they loved me the only way they knew how to. It’s not easy to love, I realize that now, especially after becoming a wife I really learned how hard it is to love unconditionally. Loving unconditionally is what makes us holy.
My whole life I have been chasing after this perfect love, not satisfied with what people were giving me. The love I was searching for, so desperately needed was impossible for MAN to give me. The love I was seeking could only be given by my Heavenly Father. Constantly, wondering what can I do Lord, to receive that kind of love.
I have been trying so hard to make God the center of my life, thinking I have to go to church every Sunday, I have to tithe, I have to read my bible, I have to pray. I have to this and I have to that. I would think that if I didn’t do what I had to do then God would not love me, he would not bless me and he would turn his back on me. I call this Performance Based Love, the worst kind of love. I am so tired, my god it is tiring. I can’t live like this, I can’t enjoy life this way, I can’t enjoy my children and my husband with the amount of pressure I put on myself and on them. I want to be accepted, I want to please others, and I want to be loved.
But….
Really I learned that I need to love me… I need to accept me…
God has already accepted me, God already loves me and I need to receive it and rest in His Grace. That’s the only way I can feel free, feel joy and that’s is true redemption. That is where I become a New Creation.
I will no longer live in bondage. I am going to walk through that jail cell door. I am Worth More than Rubies. I am no longer walking with shame, I no longer will feel unworthy. I have overcome the pain and the depression. I have grown and I am healed. I have forgiven, no longer am I allowing my past to rule over me.
